Ever since seeing that magical second line, I have been consumed with fear. First I was worried the test was wrong. I took 5 more to confirm it. It wasn’t until I pulled out the big guns (digital) that I was some what eased. After the initial, “am I really pregnant” a new fear of “am I still pregnant” has taken it’s place. What if it’s dead and I won’t know until the 10th!!!! week when I see the doctor.
Yes, the fact that I have to wait until the 10th week to see the doctor and get an ultrasound is definitely making the irrational fears worse. I understand that it is protocol, I understand that you don’t really do anything until the 10th week, I know it’s “normal” but apparently you don’t understand that I am NOT normal and will end up driving myself off the deep end with worry for these 10 weeks.
I wish there was a green/red light located inside your bellybutton to indicate how pregnancy is going. Green light=it’s all good in the womb. Red light= now you can start worrying. But there isn’t, so instead I am trying to rely on cues from my body. I know everyone will think I’ve truly lost it, but I wish I had morning sickness and all the vomiting and everything that goes with it. At least then I would know I was still pregnant. It’s like the – if I feel pain then I’m alive type of mentality. This morning I was feeling kind of bad and couldn’t eat and apparently had the beginning of nausea, but as soon as it was gone by lunch time I was yearning for the yucky feeling to come back. I want to FEEL pregnant, to know that I have a peanut in me growing and reeking havoc in my body. I think once I’m far enough along I’m going to have to get one of those dopplers. Then I’ll probably use it 24/7 just to be certain I can hear a heartbeat.
I am also afraid that every tiny thing I do might cause me to miscarry. I started the week with severe constipation. So the nurse told me to take Metamucil. Yesterday I took metamucil, and I little bit more than a teaspoon feel into the glass. I thought it was fine and drank it. This morning I suddenly had diarrhea. This created a link in my head that I might have overdosed on metamucil and miscarried the baby. Yes, I am fearful of overdosing on old-people poop medicine. I’ve reached new lows I once though inconceivable.