photo credit: ButterflySha
I am officially in the two week wait of our TTC cycle #2. In a matter of two cycles, or 58 days, I have sunk into desperation. How pathetic is that?? Since it didn’t happen the very first cycle, I am demoted to underachiever in the conception department. I failed. So now, just as any nerdy overachiever would do, I went to the library and to amazon and I got books. Books that tell me what to eat, what vitamins to take, how to relax, and so much more that I don’t particularly care to follow. I am taking a total of 5 pills every night and now that I in the two week wait, I’m slathering progesterone cream on myself twice a day.
How could I have imagined in 9th grade health as I was taught sperm are naughty little things that can infect you if you so much as come into close proximity…that I would have to swallow loads of pills, pee on sticks daily, and slather cream on me just to get pregnant. I feel quite disappointed and frustrated with my education. No one ever told me it would be this hard.
No one told me I would want something so bad yet curse myself for the masochistic nature of the desire. Allowing myself to give into the want and entertain the fanciful day dreams, that only makes coming back to reality more harsh a contrast. And to be honest “want” or “desire” are much to nice of words to describe this feeling. I would call it more of a compulsion, covetousness, necessity. Those are all better ways to describe it.
No one told me how complicated husbands are. One minute he’s on board and eager, the next minute he’s concerned about finances. He doesn’t seem to have that innate need to procreate. He just agrees to it like he’s agreeing to have scrambled eggs for breakfast, “Sure, that would be fine”.
No one told me how lonely trying to create another human being would be. I can’t talk to my husband about it because he thinks I am an irrational hormone driven women gone bat-shit baby crazy. I can’t talk to anyone else because the prospect of hearing “are you pregnant yet?” over and over again isn’t in the least bit appealing.
No one told me how long 14 days could feel.