Today I was bored and decided to pee on a whole new kind of stick. Today was my first HPT. No longer pinning for ovulation, now I am on the edge of my seat waiting for any sign of implantation and it’s after effects.
I did not realize just how crazy staring at a strip searching for any sign of a pink line could make you. Seriously. I am surprised they don’t have TTC mental wards from women staring into the white abyss searching for a line they want so badly to be there. I tilted the stick forward and backward, brought it 2 inches from my eyes..under the bathroom light…maybe try the florescent lights of the kitchen. Maybe natural lighting is what I need. Walk outside in pajamas and a pee stick, searching for a pink line that does not exist!
The insanity did not stop there, sadly. I took a picture of it, pulled it up into Photoshop and tried every imaginable combination of effects. Hue, saturation, invert, difference, exclusion, I tried it all. I managed to correctly identify the white antibody strip. You know, the part of the test that is there in manufacturing but does not in any way indicate that I have achieved my prize.
Defeated, I decide maybe it’s because I used afternoon urine and I had been peeing almost every hour on the hour. Maybe the hCG wasn’t concentrated, I thought. My unbounded optimism can sometimes be very very annoying. So like the crazy person I am, I cried in the bath and had a long talk to myself. And yes, I mean to, not with. My rational self was lecturing my silly heart to stop being so pathetic and irrational. It’s annoying. I am annoyed with myself. Surely I’ve now crossed over into some sort of schizophrenic disassociate identity territory thanks to the stark white abyss of that damn pee stick.