Archive for the ‘Fears’ Category

Preparing for Labor

Friday, November 20th, 2009
easylabor

Now that I’m nearing the third trimester, it seems the actual labor process has been more on my mind. Lately I’ve been having dreams that I go into labor early and I don’t even realize it (obviously a dream). I’m sure I’m having these dreams because my brain is trying to get mentally prepared and processing my anxieties. And speaking of anxieties, I do have a few…

I want a medicated delivery. If I could go in today and have them go ahead and start the epidural catheter, then walk around for the next 3 months with a catheter in my back ready and waiting to receive the drugs the second labor hits, I’d do it. Sign me up. But I’m pretty sure that would open my spine up for infection, amongst other practicality issues.

My biggest fear is that I either won’t be able to get an epidural or it won’t work. What if my scoliosis has deformed my spine so severely that they can’t get a needle in between the vertebras? What if they tell me I’m too far dilated to get an epidural? What if all of the anesthesiologists on call at the hospital get struck with the swine flu at the same time and there is no one there to give me an epidural? What if they run out of the wonder drug in the epidural like they ran out of the flu shot? Do you see where I’m going?

Then on the other side of the coin… What if they DO give me an epidural, but it only numbs my left side? There was a time I got a cyst removed and the lidocaine only numbed half of the cyst, leaving the other half to feel all the skin slicing and puss oozing pain in it’s glory. Or what if it doesn’t numb me at all? I did have a very bad experience at the dentist that involved 3 shots in the gums, absolutely zero numbness and a painful cavity filling. Or what if the epidural works for a while but then wears off just when I need it most?

Basically all these fears boil down to a fear of having to be largely unmedicated during labor. I’m not one of those people that want to do it natural and I don’t want to be forced to go natural either. In an effort to calm my anxieties I have once again turned to my friend the book. I purchased 3 books on labor off amazon and the first just arrived today. I’m off to ease my anxiety with written words. I’ll let you know if the books do any good.

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Parental Fear #8,347

Wednesday, October 28th, 2009

Minnie Pearl, Daddy's Girl

My oldest dog, Minnie Pearl, is the biggest daddy’s girl in the world. She just loves him. She likes to sit closer to him, sleep closer to him, howl and kiss with him, play with him. Sure, she is my friend when he isn’t around, but as soon as he comes through the door I don’t exist until he leaves. You might think I am just a terrible doggie mom. I must be the wicked doggie witch from the west. And yet I am not. I am always the one thinking of her, buying toys, dresses, treats. You might think I don’t spend enough time with her. I’m just a neglectful mother. And yet I am not. I stay home all day with her, as she sits in my chair, behind my butt. She only gives me 1/3 of the front of the chair, forcing me into a posture that pains my back but I never make her move. I take her outside all day, play with her, give her the ends off my lunch sandwiches.

When she is sick, who takes care of her? Her dear sweet daddy just says “oh, she’ll be fine,” while I am the one to rush her to the vet and save her from killer foot fungus and deathly caterpillar stings and the frequent allergy attacks from hell. The father she gives so much preference to didn’t even want to spend the money on her to see the doggie dermatology specialist – that bastard! And yet, she loves him unconditionally and with unbounded partiality. That bitch.

I fear this same fate with my child.

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irrational fears abound

Wednesday, June 17th, 2009

tests

Ever since seeing that magical second line, I have been consumed with fear. First I was worried the test was wrong. I took 5 more to confirm it. It wasn’t until I pulled out the big guns (digital) that I was some what eased. After the initial, “am I really pregnant” a new fear of “am I still pregnant” has taken it’s place. What if it’s dead and I won’t know until the 10th!!!! week when I see the doctor.

Yes, the fact that I have to wait until the 10th week to see the doctor and get an ultrasound is definitely making the irrational fears worse. I understand that it is protocol, I understand that you don’t really do anything until the 10th week, I know it’s “normal” but apparently you don’t understand that I am NOT normal and will end up driving myself off the deep end with worry for these 10 weeks.

I wish there was a green/red light located inside your bellybutton to indicate how pregnancy is going. Green light=it’s all good in the womb. Red light= now you can start worrying. But there isn’t, so instead I am trying to rely on cues from my body. I know everyone will think I’ve truly lost it, but I wish I had morning sickness and all the vomiting and everything that goes with it. At least then I would know I was still pregnant. It’s like the – if I feel pain then I’m alive type of mentality. This morning I was feeling kind of bad and couldn’t eat and apparently had the beginning of nausea, but as soon as it was gone by lunch time I was yearning for the yucky feeling to come back. I want to FEEL pregnant, to know that I have a peanut in me growing and reeking havoc in my body. I think once I’m far enough along I’m going to have to get one of those dopplers. Then I’ll probably use it 24/7 just to be certain I can hear a heartbeat.

I am also afraid that every tiny thing I do might cause me to miscarry. I started the week with severe constipation. So the nurse told me to take Metamucil. Yesterday I took metamucil, and I little bit more than a teaspoon feel into the glass. I thought it was fine and drank it. This morning I suddenly had diarrhea. This created a link in my head that I might have overdosed on metamucil and miscarried the baby. Yes, I am fearful of overdosing on old-people poop medicine. I’ve reached new lows I once though inconceivable.

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Baby Shopping

Wednesday, May 13th, 2009

IMG_1430Creative Commons License photo credit: Jose C Silva.

I believe very strongly in certain superstitions. Not the black cat, mirror, umbrella kind…. No, more like jinxes. I believe you shouldn’t talk about how great things have been going with something that seems fragile and unstable. I also believe you shouldn’t count your eggs before they’re hatched lest some more powerful force stomp out your eggs with only your lost hope left pitifully oozing.

In relation to work, the second I say “I haven’t heard from X client in a long time, everything must be going great for them.” Not two seconds later they call because the earth is crumbling around them, their building is on fire, and oh yeah- the num lock is turned on.

How does this relate to baby shopping? Well, I think that doing any shopping or mere browsing for a baby I don’t yet have is like being too over-confident that I will have a baby. I feel I don’t have the right to go baby shopping yet.  As soon as I go purchase a set of cute-as-a-button booties, the universe would see this act and conspire to ensure I never have the corresponding wearer of these booties. I mustn’t let the universe know what I want or else it will surely not let me have it. Dammit, I hope the universe can’t read blogs…

Nevertheless, I got a free pass for some baby shopping last weekend. I strolled the fluffy, pastel aisles of target and didn’t fear the rathe of fate breathing down my back. I felt quite confident that I would be safe because I was baby shopping for someone else’s baby shower. And I had the blue registry sheet in my hand to prove it and protect me from some universal jinx.

It was lovely…all the soft, fluffy, cute, adorable things to choose from. Surely I will drive myself mad trying to pick from the green lamb blanket and the blue monkey blanket when the time arrives. For now I’ll just sit quietly waiting for another baby shower invitation (aka free ticket to baby browse).

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