Hello Baby Blog

photo credit: Pink Sherbet Photography

Today I was bored and decided to pee on a whole new kind of stick. Today was my first HPT. No longer pinning for ovulation, now I am on the edge of my seat waiting for any sign of implantation and it’s after effects.

I did not realize just how crazy staring at a strip searching for any sign of a pink line could make you. Seriously. I am surprised they don’t have TTC mental wards from women staring into the white abyss searching for a line they want so badly to be there. I tilted the stick forward and backward, brought it 2 inches from my eyes..under the bathroom light…maybe try the florescent lights of the kitchen. Maybe natural lighting is what I need. Walk outside in pajamas and a pee stick, searching for a pink line that does not exist!

The insanity did not stop there, sadly. I took a picture of it, pulled it up into Photoshop and tried every imaginable combination of effects. Hue, saturation, invert, difference, exclusion, I tried it all. I managed to correctly identify the white antibody strip. You know, the part of the test that is there in manufacturing but does not in any way indicate that I have achieved my prize.

Defeated, I decide maybe it’s because I used afternoon urine and I had been peeing almost every hour on the hour. Maybe the hCG wasn’t concentrated, I thought. My unbounded optimism can sometimes be very very annoying. So like the crazy person I am, I cried in the bath and had a long talk to myself. And yes, I mean to, not with. My rational self was lecturing my silly heart to stop being so pathetic and irrational. It’s annoying. I am annoyed with myself. Surely I’ve now crossed over into some sort of schizophrenic disassociate identity territory thanks to the stark white abyss of that damn pee stick.

photo credit: ButterflySha

I am officially in the two week wait of our TTC cycle #2. In a matter of two cycles, or 58 days, I have sunk into desperation. How pathetic is that?? Since it didn’t happen the very first cycle, I am demoted to underachiever in the conception department. I failed. So now, just as any nerdy overachiever would do, I went to the library and to amazon and I got books. Books that tell me what to eat, what vitamins to take, how to relax, and so much more that I don’t particularly care to follow. I am taking a total of 5 pills every night and now that I in the two week wait, I’m slathering progesterone cream on myself twice a day.

How could I have imagined in 9th grade health as I was taught sperm are naughty little things that can infect you if you so much as come into close proximity…that I would have to swallow loads of pills, pee on sticks daily, and slather cream on me just to get pregnant. I feel quite disappointed and frustrated with my education. No one ever told me it would be this hard.

No one told me I would want something so bad yet curse myself for the masochistic nature of the desire. Allowing myself to give into the want and entertain the fanciful day dreams, that only makes coming back to reality more harsh a contrast. And to be honest “want” or “desire” are much to nice of words to describe this feeling. I would call it more of a compulsion, covetousness, necessity.   Those are all better ways to describe it.

No one told me how complicated husbands are. One minute he’s on board and eager, the next minute he’s concerned about finances. He doesn’t seem to have that innate need to procreate. He just agrees to it like he’s agreeing to have scrambled eggs for breakfast, “Sure, that would be fine”.

No one told me how lonely trying to create another human being would be. I can’t talk to my husband about it because he thinks I am an irrational hormone driven women gone bat-shit baby crazy. I can’t talk to anyone else because the prospect of hearing “are you pregnant yet?” over and over again isn’t in the least bit appealing.

No one told me how long 14 days could feel.

photo credit: clspeace

Up and down and up and down. The ebb and flow of the sun, the moon, the ocean, and my temperature. However, my ebb and flow isn’t ebbing quite the way it’s supposed to.

I’m really not surprised. If I was told my ovaries were mis-located in my ears, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised. So far the only abnormality is that my ovulation was quite late (no big deal) and my luteal phase was only 7 days (big f’ing problem). This short of a luteal phase is insufficient to allow for pregnancy. There are easy ways to fix this problem, but generally involves prescription medication from a doctor. Problem is doctors want you to try 6 months – 1 year before involving them and if I get the “infertility” diagnosis so soon I may miss a more detailed work up paid for my insurance.

I am deliberating how to handle the problem. Do I make it no biggie and continue trying in vain for months and months, or do I take this seriously and do something about it now? Of course you can see what side I’m leaning toward.

I am going to try a few natural, less aggressive methods to start with. I’ve added a few supplements and I am going to read The Infertility Cure, as it was recommended by Mrs. Shortcake. We’ll see how these small changes affect my ebb & flow…

luckily for us,a mountain is a mammal.

-E. E. Cummings

photo credit: D Sharon Pruitt.

I am afraid of being fat. Yes, that is horrible and vain. I deserve to be flogged for such a statement. In fact I don’t deserve to be a woman since I obviously can’t accept curves. Now that we’ve established just how terrible I am, let’s move on.

Watchmen Silk Spectre

I like being strong. And I want to be stronger. If anyone messes with my kid, I want to round kick their brain out of their skull. Think silk spectre. Exercise is important to me for so many reasons. It keeps me strong, healthy, and sane. So I have decided that before getting knocked up, I will ramp up my exercise efforts and loose weight. My logic is that if I’m going to gain weight, better to have a lower starting number. I also know that it will be much more difficult to carry my lazy ass to the gym once the pregnancy malaise kicks in.

To whittle down my pre-baby body I am exercising nearly every day. Burning at least 2200 calories per week, working hard on my legs (my weak spot), and strengthening in general. To do this I am doing an “Impact Training” at my gym at least once a week, the 30 Day Shred, Tracy Anderson Leg Workout, and various strength training at the gym. I hadn’t used workout videos before these, but I am enjoying a hard workout without having to drive to the gym.

I know there is some concern with getting too low in body fat and fertility. However, my gynecologist has told me I should be good since I was a competitive athlete with a super lower-than-what-I-have-now body fat and I still menstruated. All bodies are different and mine seems to be perfectly happy with little fat.

But even with all the exercise in the world pre-pregnancy, I am still going to need it during the pregnancy. In fact, I will need it more then. The problem? I can’t figure out what I can and cannot do. The entire internet is full of contradicting advice. Don’t exercise at all, don’t get your heart rate above 140, don’t cycle, don’t exercise to point you can’t talk, don’t push yourself… Then there are some that say you can continue whatever you were doing pre-pregnancy. And if my head is spinning from exercise information, I can’t imagine what will happen when it comes to something more complex, like breast feeding or birthing.

Here is what I think. 140bpm is child’s play for me, I get there on the warm-up. I can’t imagine falling off an indoor cycling bike, even if I weighed 500 lbs and my center of gravity was at my nose. If you can talk you’re not working HARD ENOUGH!!! And if you don’t push yourself, how is it exercise? Wouldn’t that be called lounging?

So here is my pregnancy work out plan. I will work out. I will try to keep my heart rate lower than 80% (this will be hard). I will add in a yoga class at least once a week to de-stress and stretch. I will continue indoor cycling until it becomes painfully uncomfortable. I will not swing dumbbells around my belly. I will also check with the trainers at the gym if they think the Impact Training will be okay. I think it should be, and they will most likely offer modifications for some of the circuits.

Have you made any changes to your work-out regime?  What are your thoughts on exercise during pregnancy?

What’s even more fun and exciting than babies?  The science behind how babies are made, of course!  These are really neat videos by PBS NOVA on Life’s Greatest Miracle.

The Egg’s Journey

The Sperm’s Journey

After one week of vacation, 3 massages, 2 hydrotherapies, 2 mani/pedis, and many hours under the sun I feel relaxed and refreshed.   Something about the euphoric relaxation allowed me to let go of my obsessive worrying over this whole baby thing.  Yes, I’m on day 24 of my cycle and I still haven’t f’ing ovulated!!!  Yes, my temperatures indicate hyperthyroidism and my cervical mucus pattern is more confusing than the stock market!   I’ve calked this cycle up as a wash due to lingering birth control hormones.  Usually, this would send me into panic.  In fact, before I left for vacation, on cycle day 11, I was already panicked.  Yet now, I say “oh well,” maybe  next cycle.  Did I just say “oh well”??  We have a huge break-through here people!

Something about allowing myself to unwind made me realize that some of the things I was stressing over were stupid.  I can’t control when I ovulate, and no amount of scrutinizing or obsessing will make the little egg pop out into my fallopian tube.  So for now I will let go of what I never had control over to begin with.  And I will for once be happy knowing that it will happen when “it” is ready.  Hopefully this sense of laissez-faire gained from my trip will continue with me long after my tan has faded away.

Here was my list of things to do before TTC:

• Pre-TTC Doctor Visit
• Get Hubby checked for genetic disease I have.
• Read baby books!
• Check if I need immunizations.
• Begin saving in 529 college fund. (Use time and a bad economy to our advantage)
• Pre-TTC blood work to get baseline. (due to my genetic disease)
• Start taking vitamins with folic acid.
• Make a baby’s first year budget.
• Make a monthly budget for new baby.
• Stop drinking caffeine.
• Stop taking sleeping pills.
• Check with health insurance for maternity coverage.
• Check on short term disability insurance.
• Get life insurance for both of us.
• Read Taking Charge of Your Fertility
• Practice checking Basal Body Temp.
• Create Will & Trust.
• Visit to the dentist.

photo credit: p e e p e r

It’s only 4 days into my first TTC cycle and I already fear failure.  I can’t just let things be and see how it goes.  I tried meditation, yoga, relaxing.  None of it would calm my fertility fears.  So instead of trying to calm myself into believing it will be okay I’ve decided to switch strategies.  

I don’t even want to have a BFP on the first cycle.  Nope, not what I want.  And here are all the reasons:

1. I can save for an extra month toward my grand financial plan.
2. More time to read baby books.
3. Another month to be a work-a-holic and push back maternity leave.
4. Thats it.  I even suck at picking sour grapes.

Today was our first official day at “trying to conceive”.  Seems weird that for such a large life-changing decision the only thing I had to do today is take my temperature this morning.  98.2 degrees Fahrenheit.  And that is all I can do on my TTC quest today.  That and of course there is the worrying, the thinking, the day dreaming about what ifs and what if nots.  If I am already on pins and needles on day one can you imagine what the two-week wait will be like?  Excruciating. And then there will be 9 months of waiting.  Dear god I am going to be terrible at this.